“I was an emotionally unavailable man.”– Bryce

My friend and colleague Bryce Bauer and I talk about his journey from being an emotionally unavailable man to becoming a Relationship Coach. Today Bryce helps men to find more of themselves for the sake of owning their life and having better relationships.

We start by talking about how Bryce felt before he decided to improve his relationship with himself. He tells me how one man’s powerful statement prevented him from giving up on his recovery from drugs and alcohol. Subsequently Bryce said NO to his usual distractions and stayed with the pain of facing himself. He then describes what this emotional work actually looks like.

What was the role of women on this journey? Bryce describes two pivotal moments with strong women in his life: The first with his mother who finally stood up to him in a new way. And the second with his wife, Marriage and Family Therapist Jenny Morrow, with whom he runs the Advanced Relationship Academy today.

We talk in depth about when and how to call a man forward into being more of himself. Listen to Bryce answer the question that many women ask themselves: “What if a man does not seem to want deep connection?

What can a woman say, and more importantly: what can a woman do, if she deeply loves a man struggling with emotional availability? Finally, what are some first steps a man can take if he is ready to meet himself more deeply?

Time stamps
01:26 Bryce’s journey from drug and alcohol recovery to owning his life.
04:29 How would I know if I am emotionally unavailable?
07:49 What does emotional work look like?
09:48 This challenging comment created a waking up moment when Bryce wanted to quit recovery.
12:50 What does it mean to “face yourself“?
14:25 The give and take of saying “no” to distraction.
15:08 How these two powerful women called Bryce forward.
18:00 The power of a woman standing in herself.
21:40 What if a man is not in touch with his desire to feel connected?
23:20 “Life will continue to provide pain if we are disconnected.
24:30 How to invite a man into connection.
26:30 “Men have thick shells, but curiosity and love can melt that.
29:10 First steps for men.

Helpful links

Men’s group with Bryce Bauer and Levi Chettle. For a men-only practice community.

The Relationship Training Community with Daxe and Jolandé. For general relationship tools and practice in community.

“No, I am NOT angry!!”

– How to avoid a lengthy argument right at the beginning.

“You seem angry!” – Have you ever heard this statement? Have you ever gotten angry hearing this statement, when you hadn’t been angry before? I have. It is a triggering statement for me, because I would like to think of myself as calm and composed. I might even get into an argument about whether I am indeed angry, or not. And, as I am asserting my view I will get angrier and angrier…

From personal to relational empowerment

“There is no such thing as self-realization. We can only truly realize ourselves in connection with those we love, the culture we live in, and the planet as a whole.” 

– Terry Real, 2020

Here is a way out of that cycle. It works every single time, and it will usually shorten the otherwise looming argument to under a minute. The trick is to reach beyond “personal empowerment” all the way to “relational empowerment” (Terry Real “The New Rules of Marriage”). So how does that work? Let’s look at the personally empowered attitude first.

When I come from personal empowerment I think something like: “Do not tell me how I feel!” And I will focus on empowering myself, claiming my right to feel whatever I feel. You better not patronize me by telling me what that is! This will probably lead to a lengthy fight, or at least to tension and disconnection, where there could be playfulness and affection. 

How is the attitude of “relational empowerment” different? When I take that attitude, I focus not on empowering myself, but on empowering the relationship. I think something like: “Looks like there is less safety between us right now, and my partner is speaking up about that. I need to make a move to restore safety between us.” I then do just that by saying, for example: “I wasn’t aware of being angry. Let me take a breath and slow down.” Then I take a deep breath and make eye contact with my partner. 

Wait a minute! Isn’t that admitting to being angry, even if I am not? Not strictly speaking, and it could still be interpreted like that. Chances are, I was tense, frustrated or rushed. Science shows that other people usually pick up on my level of aggravation faster than I do (Stan Tatkin, Relationship Rx). So maybe I was a little angry. Or maybe I was not. Does it matter?

The magic move is faster and kinder

In any case, it is faster and kinder to take care of my relationship, which includes me and my partner. This means letting go of the past observation which cannot be proven right or wrong anyway, and reassuring my partner of my good intentions:

“I want you to feel safe when we are talking. Let me take a breath. Does this feel better?”

And that is the magic move. Instead of arguing about whose view is right (“No, I was NOT angry!”) I save time by remembering that I want to feel safe and have my partner feel safe, too. I state my good intentions, and reassure my partner by saying or doing something caring. Once we both feel relaxed again, we can enjoy our combined creativity and resourcefulness to tackle whatever we are tackling in the moment. 

Relational Empowerment will empower your relationship AND you

This attitude of taking care of the relationship by taking care of myself and my partner is called relational empowerment. In order to take this inspired and modern approach I need to (1) realize the importance of relationship for me, and (2) I need to feel personally empowered, so that I do not concentrate my main effort on becoming personally empowered.  

And anyway: What is the best way to become truly personally empowered? Get into a relationship and take good care of it. It will show me where my blindspots are, and it will challenge me to deepen my ability to love myself and my partner for as long as I choose to invest in it.

– If this blog and practical tip was helpful to you, you may enjoy our practice community. This is where you can find like-minded people, more learning, and most importantly practice. Because practice will take your relationships to the next level!